Public Bathroom Etiquette #3

This one is mostly just my opinion, and pretty much goes for any situation; not just the bathroom.

 

My feeling is pretty much that two or more men should not be talking if one or more of them has his hand on his dick. This is not some universal theorem of life, and I'm sure there are exceptions, but it's generally safe to assume I feel this way.

 

I approach the bathroom almost like I'm walking through an unsafe neighborhood late at night: eyes down, don't attract attention, and get out of there as fast as possible. Chances are, even if I know you well, I won't acknowledge you in a bathroom.

 

On the other hand, there are plenty of guys out there who are perfectly happy talking to you about anything while standing at a urinal. Hell, I've had friends talk to me from a stall. Yeah, I can't hear you, because I left when you started being fucking weird.

 

Clearly, this is just a personal preference thing, but I wanted to put it out there. So, the next time you're chatting someone up in the shitter and they look uncomfortable as hell, just be sensitive to the fact that they might not like to hold conversations in places where random people poop.

Over-talkers

Humans classify things. We excel at it. We like to take all of our stimuli and file it away in a familiar 'bucket' of like things.

 

Today's post is about one of my little buckets. I call this class of people over-talkers, and it's quite possible you've run into one in the wild. But, in case you haven't, let me walk you through the common characteristics and traits so you'll be able to classify them properly if you ever meet one.

 

Your conversation will start out quite normally. It seems as though you're talking to a normal person. However, at some point in the conversation the over-talker either has a strong opinion about something, has something they deem extremely important to share, or you just inadvertently talked shit about their favorite Pokemon (or Nascar driver, or football player, or whatever-the-fuck that they care about). At this point, the conversation takes a weird turn, because the over-talker now cannot be stopped.

 

They continue talking, even though words are currently coming out of your mouth. As if in answer to this weird turn of events, they up the volume and intensity of the words falling out of their mouth.

 

And before you suggest that this situation is pretty normal in a debate, here's the curveball: the over-talker does this even in normal conversations. That's what sets them apart. What are you talking about? The drive in to work? Yep, they'll talk over you. What you had for breakfast? Yep, they'll talk over that to. Something else en-YES, THEY'LL TALK OVER YOU BECAUSE FUCK YOU MAJOR IMPORTANT SHIT HERE.

 

For fun, you can play little games, just to see what level they're on. Like, are they a newb over-talker just trying it out, or are they a hard-core level 90 over-talking warlord? For example, without raising your voice or appearing inconvenienced at all, just keep talking. It's fucking hilarious.

Vultures

You've seen them. They follow you on your way out to the parking lot, just itching for that spot. There must be some prize for parking twenty feet closer to the door. And they wait on you...

 

Just park, dammit. I refuse to change my routine just because you are (im)patiently waiting for me to get out of this spot. When I get to my car after work in the afternoon, I'm certainly ready to go home. However, I still have my little ritual: I start the car, remove the sun shade, get situated and buckled up, and text my wife that I'm on my way. The whole process takes probably no more than 60 seconds, which is fine for me. But those people that end up waiting on me tend to get a little antsy at that point.

 

Here's the deal: I get to work early. I do this for many reasons, parking not being one of them. However, it is a nice side effect that I get to pretty much pick my spot. And it's my spot as long as I occupy it. Don't even assume I'm leaving. This spot is occupied - find another.

Public Bathroom Etiquette #2

Assuming you're not one of the mouth-breathers who I offended with PBE #1, you've managed to actually wash your hands. Look out! The next tricky part awaits...

Unless you are severely disfigured, or perhaps spontaneously contract some debilitating form of palsy, turn off the damn faucet. I mean, you turned it on, right? It isn't that hard. I have never encountered a faucet that was easy to turn on, but required a torque wrench and deep-well impact socket to turn off. And because I just hate the sound and idea of a dripping faucet - something about it just assaults my poor, delicate sensibilities - I always turn them off. And so far, I've never attempted to halt a faucet some other asshat left running and thought to myself, "I'm sorry for those unkind thoughts I had about you, good sir. This faucet is indeed far too difficult to extinguish."

On a side note, this is very much like the weights at the gym: If you're big enough to put them on the bar and work out with them, you're big enough to take them off and put them away. Nobody but you gives a shit how much weight you lifted, so don't leave it on display as some kind of retarded trophy to your epic swollness.

I'm not sure what kind of household you grew up in, but I grew up in one where hearing mom yelling, "Shut the door! Were you raised in a damn barn?" was fairly routine. You open the door, shut it. You turn on the light, turn it off. You lifted the lid, put it back down again. You get the general idea: don't be a fucking slob.

So yeah, I apologize that you were apparently raised by a mother who didn't love you, but do the rest of us a favor and turn off the faucet.