The Layperson's Guide to Being an Asshole

Next time you're out driving, take a look around you. Is it

a) raining?

b) snowing?

c) precipitating anything?

d) dark?

e) almost dark?

f) that weird thing where you wouldn't say it's dark or almost dark, but you definitely can't see well?

 

If you answered yes to any of those questions, and you don't have your headlights on, you're an asshole.

 

Now before anybody gets their panties all in a bunch, let me caveat this. I'm all for using common sense when it comes to turning on your headlights. There's just one little problem: the vast majority of people don't have any common sense.

When in doubt, turn on your headlights. If you got offended by this post, just think: you are the reason cars come from the manufacturer with daytime running lights.

NOTE: This post was written while under the influence of a rage induced by coming up on somebody in the left lane of an interstate doing 57 in a 65, at 5:10 in the morning (at which point, it is fucking dark, btw) with no lights. None. Did I mention it was sprinkling? Yeah...don't be that guy.

Mushroom cloud layin' motherfucker

Can I do that? Can I title my post with a quote from a movie without some litigious clairvoyant somewhere going apeshit on me?

 

Sorry, that's the start of a totally different blog post. This one is about rage. I have some triggers that put me in a strange state. You know the one: tunnel vision, visibly shaking, furious, righteous rage. Here's the one that happens most, and is the easiest to avoid...

 

The other day I'm cruising home from work on a controlled access highway doing 60+ mph, when this jackass uses one of those little dirt cut-throughs to pull a U-turn. This may or may not be legal, depending on local laws, but that's not the issue. Shit happens. Sometimes you got to turn around. I understand.

 

But this fucker pulls out onto the road with less than 30 yards from me to him. Like, if you were going to measure it, it would be about this long: "Oh shit, I'm gonna..." <KABOOM>

All right...so let's give this guy the benefit of the doubt, right? Sure, he almost caused a major accident. Luckily, I knew there were no other cars beside me, so I was able to switch lanes and avoid him. (Which begs the question: if there were no other cars beside me, why the fuck did he pull out in front of me in particular? But I digress...) Maybe he just didn't see me. Maybe he did, but was in a hurry. Whatever. In any case, I give him the "watch where you're going, you almost killed me" honk as I narrowly avoid his vehicle.

 

And he honks back and flips me off.

 

There it is, folks. There's the rub. And I gotta say, if I didn't have a family who would wonder why I hadn't been home for 20 years to life, it almost would have been worth it to snuff this guy out. I wasn't in the red. I didn't flail around, arms out the window, yelling and screaming. Simply honked to let this guy know that he had almost fucked up both of our days. But no, fuck constructive criticism. He put me in the red. I'd love to talk to assholes like that as a police officer.

 

Bet he was on his cell phone...