Switch the order

It seems that every week there's another story in the news about yet another person who has decided to go on a killing spree that inevitably leads to them committing suicide.

 

I sure as hell can't relate to killing random, innocent people, so I can't even begin to understand the mindset of the people that commit these acts. However, I'd like to propose just a slight change of tactics. It's really no big deal, when you think about it. I mean, I can't see how anybody could turn down such a simple, benign request. So, to all you mass murdering, suicide junkies out there, here goes:

 

When you head out on your murder-suicide rampage: switch the order. Put the first bullet in your noggin. And do us a favor: don't miss.

 

That is all.

Proselytizing is lazy

(Fair warning: If you like going door-to-door handing out religious pamphlets, this is not the post you're looking for.)

First and foremost, just to clear the air: I respect other people's right to their beliefs, even though I may not always see those beliefs as tenable. I firmly believe that having the choice, and the ability to debate a topic openly, is a fantastic thing. Also, note that "you" in this article refers to the collective group of door-to-door religion salesman, or a completely fictitious sample person, and not you, the reader.
 

Now that I have that off my chest: stop knocking on my door, hoping to convert me. It's rude. Here I am, enjoying my time, doing whatever it is I like to do. And here you are, hoping to hand me a pamphlet that will save me from eternal damnation.

 

First of all, it's rude because you've knocked on my door, essentially trying to sell me something. I think we can all agree that telemarketers who do cold calls are rude, right? I know I'm not alone on this. So interrupting my free time to tell me what you like to do with your free time is also rude.

 

Second, it's rude because you assume I need saving. "But we're just trying to tell you about our awesome church!" Yes, well, let me explain how that works. I have friends. I talk to them. If your church is awesome, and my friends are the type of people who go to your church, and we share similar interests (i.e. I'm someone they would feel comfortable inviting to their church), they'll invite me. In other words, if your church is awesome and I'm inclined to go to such a place, I'll find out about it without your intervention.

 

And the "saving" bit in particular rubs me the wrong way. You believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe. When you boil it down, we both have a preference for one thing over another. So starting out with the whole "saving" or "savior" bit is a little presumptuous. It's like assuming that Coke is inferior to Pepsi as a universal truth just because you prefer Pepsi. No, I don't want to be saved. Mainly because I don't agree that I need saving to start with, I don't believe in what you want to save me with, and I don't believe what you propose to save me from. Believing in something doesn't make it reality.

 

And finally, it's rude because you don't even bother asking about my beliefs. And on the rare occasions that you do, they are completely disregarded. Essentially, we don't enter into a discussion about beliefs and their merits. We don't have an open-minded conversation about how we arrived at our respective beliefs. You dismiss mine as unworthy right off the bat, and then proceed to batter me with a very one-sided discourse. Exactly how is that supposed to come off?

 

Here's an idea, just my idea, worth every penny you paid for it. Try this:

Greet me and apologize for interrupting my day. Ask me if I have time to chat. Introduce yourself. Ask me if I mind talking about religion. Then, bear with me here, enter into a normal discussion with me. Talk to me about my beliefs and your beliefs. Sit on my front porch and get to know me a little bit. I love talking about religion. I don't love condescension and rhetoric. See the difference? Treat me like a person, not a project. I'll invite you in, offer you a beer or a coke, and you can see what kind of person I am. Hell, we might both learn something.

Please wait to be seated...

Here's a situation my wife and I run into on a fairly regular basis. We have small children. We like to go out to eat. These two seemingly simple concepts are sometimes not really all that compatible. With that in mind, we try to minimize any drama. And we do so by going out to eat early.

 

By walking in to the restaurant when it's not crowded, we generally get faster service, the kiddos remain happy, and everyone has a pleasant experience. However, there are certain restaurants that seem to not know what to do with people who like to eat dinner at 4:30.

 

Just a heads up for any people in the restaurant business. If I walk in to your establishment at 4:30 and ask for a table for four, and you make me wait ten minutes to sit down, I'm not coming back. I might even leave right then. If I look around and see three or four occupied tables among a sea of unoccupied settings, and you don't seat me right away, I'm furious right off the bat.

 

And let me make another thing perfectly clear: I don't care if it's shift change. If thirteen people called in sick, and you're having a shitty night, I'll be happy to bear with you. But if this is a daily occurrence, and you haven't figured out how to schedule your employees without penalizing your customers, maybe don't stay open between lunch and dinner.

 

And anyone who says, "Hey, what's the big deal? It's ten minutes..." clearly hasn't had to sit in the lobby of Red Lobster next to the lobster tank with a 6 year old and a 2 year old...

Driving (continued)

Just wanted to touch on one more facet regarding driving on public roads. You know, I made the analogy with the circular saw, but that really only accounts for the safety of the user. The biggest reason I make such a fuss about distracted driving is because of all the other people you endanger while out on the road.

 

Using the same analogy, if you want to run your circular saw without any protection, while chatting with your buddy about internet cats, be my guest. I feel like I've done my duty if I simply warn you that it's not the best idea. However, if you want to walk through a park swinging your running saw by it's cord, well then you and I officially have problems.

 

If you're driving distracted, unfortunately you're not just risking your own life. You are putting your passengers and all other drivers you encounter at risk. That's the part that pisses me off.

 

Best case scenario, you're going to cause property damage. (But that's what insurance is for, right? Fuck that. That's an entirely different post, or series of posts, about (dis)placing responsibility.) Worst case, you're going to kill one or more people in my family. That is why I take such offense to drivers who are paying very little attention to driving.

Friends don't let friends...

On today's installment, I'm going to talk about something I'm very opinionated about: driving.

So before I mention a couple of my pet peeves, let's just boil driving down to what it really is. When driving, you are solely in control of a roughly two-ton chunk of steel, piloting it down a fairly narrow strip of asphalt at speeds that regularly approach an average Major League fastball (fyi...last year's average was 92 mph). Oh, and let's not forget that the requirement for said privilege is that you reach 15 years of age (in this state). Oh, and when you're doing this, you tend to be around many, many other drivers doing the same thing.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's just talk about rational behavior for a minute. Any reasonable, thinking human being would surmise that this takes a good deal of concentration to pull off successfully; and they'd be right. So why the hell do I see so many inattentive drivers?

Let's attempt to put things in perspective. Would you talk on a cell phone, eat a cheeseburger, or put on makeup while operating a circular saw? Yes, a circular saw can kill you, but the most common injury is to the hands; best case, a nasty laceration, worst case, you lose a finger or three. So do we see people multitasking while using these dangerous tools? Not in my experience. Why then, are people so ignorant when they strap into a car?

On to my pet peeves. You might be an asshole if:

• You put on makeup while driving. Here's an idea: wake up 10 minutes earlier.
• You text while driving. "I'm sorry I hit your minivan full of small children. My buddy just sent me a picture of a cat wearing a helmet and holding an AK-47. I was texting 'lol' when I hit you. My bad."
• You don't use your blinker. Assuming you are actually trying to maintain some semblance of control of the vehicle, then at least one hand is on the wheel. Which means that you literally have to move a single finger to tell other drivers where the hell you plan on going. 
• You attempt to merge doing 25+ mph slower than traffic you're merging with. Really? No, really? How the fuck did you think this was going to work?
• You try to cross more than one lane of traffic to get to the turn lane you need at the last minute. Have a plan. Know where you're going. I've never buckled up, started out, and then found myself wondering where the hell I was going.
• You go 10+ mph under the speed limit, despite optimal driving conditions. Try this the next time you drive: after driving for a bit, look in your rear view mirror. If there is a line of traffic behind you longer than a mile, stop at the next safe spot, get out of the vehicle, set it on fire, and walk home. Please.

No alcohol for you!

Had this little situation crop up the other day, and for the life of me, I can't figure out what sense it makes.

 

So apparently there's a policy that some stores have in effect (and some states as well, as far as I can tell) that says you must ID everyone in a party if an individual is buying alcohol.

 

Before I gripe about it, let me just get the obvious out of the way. Yes, I understand that the policy attempts to undermine under-aged drinking. Yes, I understand that the store is just covering their own ass. And lastly, I understand that a vendor may refuse to do business with anyone for any reason (although randomly refusing paying customers seems like one shitty business model.) Okay, better? I'll carry on...

 

What the hell? Even with the half-assed explanations that I can come up with, this seems like a remarkably stupid idea. Any purchasing policy that can be completely defeated if the buyer of goods simply says, "Hey, stand over there for a minute" must be shit to begin with.

 

And, to make matters worse, there is another glaring hole in this policy: it starts with a completely subjective judgment call. I've bought many adult beverages with my small children in tow. Do they get carded? Would that make sense? So what's the cutoff?

 

I'll tell you what. How about you stop trying to save me from me? What's next, asking for my keys at the register so that I don't speed on the way home? If you are dead set on 100% absolutely not contributing to underage drinking, don't sell alcohol. But that would cost you money...

Don't hurt my feelings, bro

There is a pall that has settled over our society in recent years. I can't help but think it has certain strong ties to the whole idea of "political correctness." You know, that particular bit of insanity that one Texas A&M student defined as "...a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick
up a turd by the clean end."

We are entirely too afraid to hurt people's feeling in today's overly litigious society. What a crock...

Recent events have unfolded around the world that have made it abundantly clear, at least to me, that there are plenty of philosophies that we should openly criticize. But we're afraid to call a spade a spade; I mean, someone might get butt-hurt over our insensitivity.

I'm a firm believer that you should be able to formulate your own opinions on all matters spiritual and philosophical, and I'm happy that I live in a country where (at least on paper) I'm allowed to adhere to and practice these beliefs without fear of open persecution. That is...as long as my actions fall within the legal boundaries we've all agreed to as a society.

So how can it be that I'm proposing a wholesale opposition to the moral code that someone else chooses? Isn't that a bit hypocritical?

Let me give a concrete example. Let's say you believe that it's all right to stone your daughter in the street because she married someone you didn't agree with? "But it's what I was raised to believe is right." Are we supposed to turn a blind eye to this philosophy? Are we supposed to, as a society, let this go in the name of freedom? Horseshit. I'm just going to go out on a limb and say what many of us are thinking: If you are willing to throw bricks at a member of your family because they decided to marry an "unsavory" character, you are an asshole. Not only that, you are a dangerous asshole. And your beliefs are a danger to society. Turning a blind eye to such beliefs in the name of freedom and protecting civil rights only endangers innocent lives.

Granted, this is an extreme example. This wouldn't happen in the US, right? I knew of a man years ago that came here from the Middle East. He went to school in the US, and became a doctor. He was working at a local hospital in the Emergency Room. He had started a family, and had an 18 year-old daughter. In a casual conversation one night, he was asked what he would do if his daughter brought home a black man she had decided to marry. His response: he would send her to his home country on the first plane he could book in order to be killed by her family.

Here was an educated man willing to kill his own daughter over something most of us take for granted; her right to choose her own partner in marriage. You want this guy taking care of you in the ER? You want this guy making life-or-death decisions for your loved ones?

To be clear, I'm certainly not advocating taking up arms and crusading against other cultures. I'm merely suggesting that not all philosophical viewpoints are created equal. We have a fairly well-defined set of basic human rights in this country (at least, compared to others). We need not let others shit on them because we're afraid to hurt someone's feelings.

Wash your f***ing hands!

It's a routine that some of you (I won't say many, and I certainly won't say most) can identify with...

You're in a public restroom. You finish your business and head to the sink to wash your hands. When done, you grab enough paper towels to pat dry an adult orca, dab off your hands and perhaps turn off the faucet, then reach for the door handle, tossing your towels in the trash (or the floor, if the trashcan has been inconsiderately placed) on your way out the door.

It's a custom that most of my friends, family, and coworkers are accustomed to. But have you ever stopped to think about it? Like, if you had to explain this ritual to an alien, would you not feel the least bit absurd? Why do you need to grab the handle with a paper towel? Shouldn't it be the single cleanest item in the bathroom? I mean, everyone who touches it has just washed their hands, right? Right?

Sadly, no. No, that's not right. We've all seen the fucking cro-magnon human-like apes that saunter out of the shitter, pause for a glance in the mirror, and hit the street with their shit-hands. Hell, there's a guy at work that I call Edward Sphincterhands...because he was last spotted leaving a steaming pile of poo and fleeing the bathroom like the IRS was after him.

What the hell?

Were you seriously not raised better than that? I'm trying to imagine a mother figure, any mother figure, saying, "You know what? Screw washing your hands. That shit's overrated."

So, those of us with enough common sense to make our way out of bed in the morning without simultaneously drooling, pissing, and shitting ourselves have to go through this weird little dance in the bathroom that simply doesn't make any sense.

And while we're talking about restroom etiquette, let me address another little quirk that I've noticed far too frequently. Just the other day, I saw a man in a suit with a leather-bound notebook walk up to the urinal next to me. Did he tuck the notebook under his arm while he took a leak? Nope. He propped it on the top of the urinal and proceeded to attend to his business. Then, to his credit, he washed his hands. Then picked up his contaminated notebook and walked off.

Chances are pretty slim that he was setting off on some sort of quest to desecrate and then subsequently burn said notebook. No. Odds are, he was heading to a meeting or going to meet someone. And what's he going to do with that fetid, steaming pile of notebook? Well, he's going to set it on the conference table, or worse, on some unsuspecting coworker's desk. Really? What a jackass...

I propose we use just a little common sense, seasoned with a pinch of common courtesy, when we go to the bathroom. Just assume for a second that I don't want to shake hands with your dick. Using logic, one could only come to the conclusion that washing your hands after you manhandle your penis, or worse yet, wipe your ass, is the most proper course of action.

If everyone did so, the "normal" crowd could stop acting like the fucking doorknob is contaminated with sypha-gono-herpa-litis and proceed back to our lives without doing the paper towel waltz with every surface we might touch in the near future.

New blog

Why a new blog? Well, this will sort of be my sanctuary; my meditation. A place for me to vent, gripe, or otherwise blow off steam. A diary, of sorts.

And if someone derives pleasure through my witty banter, or more likely, my pain and/or embarrassment...then that's all well and good too.

I just want a creative outlet to share funny or puzzling observations, bitch about miscellaneous first world problems, and (perhaps most importantly) openly deride some of the obnoxious and downright idiotic behavior that seems to run rampant in our society.