Friends don't let friends...

On today's installment, I'm going to talk about something I'm very opinionated about: driving.

So before I mention a couple of my pet peeves, let's just boil driving down to what it really is. When driving, you are solely in control of a roughly two-ton chunk of steel, piloting it down a fairly narrow strip of asphalt at speeds that regularly approach an average Major League fastball (fyi...last year's average was 92 mph). Oh, and let's not forget that the requirement for said privilege is that you reach 15 years of age (in this state). Oh, and when you're doing this, you tend to be around many, many other drivers doing the same thing.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's just talk about rational behavior for a minute. Any reasonable, thinking human being would surmise that this takes a good deal of concentration to pull off successfully; and they'd be right. So why the hell do I see so many inattentive drivers?

Let's attempt to put things in perspective. Would you talk on a cell phone, eat a cheeseburger, or put on makeup while operating a circular saw? Yes, a circular saw can kill you, but the most common injury is to the hands; best case, a nasty laceration, worst case, you lose a finger or three. So do we see people multitasking while using these dangerous tools? Not in my experience. Why then, are people so ignorant when they strap into a car?

On to my pet peeves. You might be an asshole if:

• You put on makeup while driving. Here's an idea: wake up 10 minutes earlier.
• You text while driving. "I'm sorry I hit your minivan full of small children. My buddy just sent me a picture of a cat wearing a helmet and holding an AK-47. I was texting 'lol' when I hit you. My bad."
• You don't use your blinker. Assuming you are actually trying to maintain some semblance of control of the vehicle, then at least one hand is on the wheel. Which means that you literally have to move a single finger to tell other drivers where the hell you plan on going. 
• You attempt to merge doing 25+ mph slower than traffic you're merging with. Really? No, really? How the fuck did you think this was going to work?
• You try to cross more than one lane of traffic to get to the turn lane you need at the last minute. Have a plan. Know where you're going. I've never buckled up, started out, and then found myself wondering where the hell I was going.
• You go 10+ mph under the speed limit, despite optimal driving conditions. Try this the next time you drive: after driving for a bit, look in your rear view mirror. If there is a line of traffic behind you longer than a mile, stop at the next safe spot, get out of the vehicle, set it on fire, and walk home. Please.